I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize