The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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