after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
