Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
