I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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