Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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