dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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