Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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