someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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