he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I smell stomach acid.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
