I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
