She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
