We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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