he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
