I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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