why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
