Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
