I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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