Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
