you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
