I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's shark week go big or go home
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
