Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
