i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
