Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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