i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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