It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm always down for nudity.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
