everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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