my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
