he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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