Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dear god my vagina.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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