yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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