he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
