I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
