In America we eat man semen.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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