Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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