I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
