I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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