you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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