Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
