You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
my poor anus
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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