Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
