I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
