sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
