The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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