Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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