She said her name was "party"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
