I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
