it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
