Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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