Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
BRING THE BAGELS
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
