It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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