I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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