Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
